In these days of struggling to make ends meet, do you dread being invited to a friend’s wedding?
Now it’s bad enough trying to squeeze into the suit you last wore for your Grandma’s funeral 3 years ago only to find that it’s mysteriously ‘shrunk’ over that time and to wear those trousers over any prolonged period would cause irreparable damage to the genital area! With reluctance you concede that you have no alternative but to fork out for a new suit. The next dilemma is whether to tell the wife about the invitation, in the full knowledge that she will want a new dress plus matching accessories for the ‘big day’. The pound signs are already giving your brain a bashing! All this to attend the wedding of a ‘friend’ who you rarely see nowadays but feel obliged to attend as they came to your wedding 5 years ago when you were much closer.
After having reluctantly accepted after the wife has told you that you have no alternative, you now dread the next step, ‘The Stag and Hen nights’. In my day this involved a few mates gathering at the local, or perhaps a pub crawl around town followed by a curry, before being sick and then tying the groom to a lamp post naked. All good harmless fun without costing the earth. You can’t do this nowadays, every pending bride and groom feel massively under pressure to outdo their friends with a more outrageous, and expensive, event. No longer just a night out, at the very minimum an overnight stay in UK or for the more adventurous a few days in Benidorm or even worse, Vegas for the lads. The more cultured Hen’s may find Benidorm too vulgar and opt for an even more expensive hotel Spa break. There they can pay extortionate amounts to lie around in fluffy white gowns drinking overpriced cheap Prosecco and get liberally covered in mud by an overly made up ‘orange’ person in a white tunic, sporting massive false nails and eyelashes.
You try to think of every reason under the sun not to attend but unfortunately you can’t predict that you will have Covid that far ahead! Even worse when you find out the date, you lie and make the excuse that it’s your Mother’s 70th birthday and you simply cannot miss the family party. Only for the groom to state that the date is not yet set in stone and they will work around the dates to make sure that you are available!
Reluctantly you ‘gratefully’ agree to attend even though you are already a couple of hundred down on new outfits. You are added to the stag ‘WhatsApp’ group and wait with impending dread, the details! Oh great, firstly we are not going abroad, but then things start to go downhill. You are spending 3 nights in a city hundreds of miles away, but ‘fortunately’ they have organised a great hotel deal and it’s only going to cost you £70 a night to share a room with 3 others, all of whom you don’t know. They have also sorted a ‘group saver’ rail ticket which will only set you back another £50.
Next comes the dreaded ‘events’, these are a must for any self respecting Stag or Hen night these days. No you can’t just sit in the pub for a few hours. You look at the most original thing that you can all do without thought to the preference of those attending. What about White Water Rafting, or Zorbing in a big plastic ball down a very steep hill. These alone will not be enough, that is only for one day, there will also need to be a couple of other perhaps less energetic ‘events’ such a bowling, crazy golf or a darts bar. You are gleefully informed of the events you are going to attend which, as a confirmed couch potato, fill you with a sense of panic, This panic is only outdone by the cost, yet another very reasonable £150.
You are now adding up the total cost which, with a weekend of food and booze, is now approaching a grand. Having done your sums you think it will be a struggle but with a bit of overtime you may just be able to afford it. Only for things to get worse, the Bride insists that your wife ‘simply must’ come with the girls on their Hen weekend to Benidorm. Luckily they say they are looking to do this ‘on the cheap’. But up front she will need the obligatory ‘Hen’s on tour Beni22’ T-shirt and the matching Pink Cowboy hat which must be worn just to give the general public a clue that they are on a Hen weekend. With flights, cheap hotel and booze you should get away with around £500.
What with the travel to the wedding, hotel accommodation for the night and overpriced drinks at the swank hotel reception you are now looking at the best part of £2k, and it’s not even your wedding!!
I know that I’m a grumpy old git but I am happy to lead the campaign for ‘non event’ traditional local Stag and Hen nights. Just think about it guys, for the bride and groom, they could use the money saved to supply a few more vol au vents and bottles of cheap fizz at the reception. The guests will be more than happy, they may even be able to get outfits from Next rather than Primark! And even more important, your local will be more than thankful for your business!
