Terminal 5

Since everyone else has been ranting about Terminal 5, I felt left out, so here is my contribution.

I arrived very early for my flight so had loads of time. Just as well. Leaving the tube station, there is a choice of lift or escalator, and not being so lazy I opted for the escalator. But it is three long, high escalators to get to the right level, and the open sides onto a huge drop are not good for people who don't like heights, like me. The lifts though open onto a glass floor, and from below you can look up to see the people walking above you, and it isn't even frosted glass! So ladies, don't wear a skirt if you're going there unless you want to feature on some dubious websites.

The architecture is reasonably attractive, but is more designed to scare people than to be welcoming. On arrival at the top of the escalators heading for departures, there is no sign where you are meant to go. Only signs for the car parks and arrivals. Eventually, across more glass floors, I gave up and went into arrivals and of course eventually stumbled across the check-in areas.

Even there, it is far from obvious where to go once you have your boarding pass. Then I eventually saw a security sign and headed there, and even when I was near it, it was still hard to find where to go. The security system itself has been designed by world class morons. With about 5 people in front of me, I though it was heaven, being used to huge queues at Stansted, but it still took 15 minutes to get through even with just those 5 people. I don't even know where to start describing what is so bad about it, so just imagine how you might design it if you were asked to make sure it would clog up, not work, and just annoy everyone, then you're not far from reality.

Again, once through there, of course you want to see a big sign saying Departure Lounge or Gates or something. What you actually find is a huge shopping mall with no clue that it is associated with an airport. Eventually you stumble across small signs that say you have to go downstairs again.

The whole shopping mall was almost empty. It was full of designer shops with far more staff than customers. I sat and watched some shops and never saw a single customer in some of them in 15 minutes. I wanted a paper but it was ages before I eventually found my way to W H Smith, which was tiny and very crowded. In fact, with no exaggeration, there were more people in that 20 x 50ft shop than the whole of the rest of the mall, even though it was hidden at one end of a very long walk. It was almost another hour before I found Starbucks.

The toilets are simply a disgrace, down-market of the dirtiest public toilets.
Firstly, the set I went into had 4 urinals. Not 40! And they were about an inch thick in pubic hairs and dirt. Probably because they had nice infrared sensors that flush automatically every time someone uses them, so the idiot managers probably concluded that they don't need cleaners, but clearly no-one considered that the water doesn't wash the rim, only the central part. The cubicles are even worse. The first three were filthy, the fourth was OK, but the lock only engages on the last millimetre, so you have to hope no-one tries the door or it is likely to open.

The airport is clearly designed firstly as a shopping mall. Any consideration of air travel has been a secondary consideration. Signage is appalling, the stuff people want and need is hidden away and severely under-provided, and immediately you leave the main shopping areas to go to the loo, you are in the 3rd world. Maybe there is lots of art and pretentious architecture, but what is the point when you are trying too hard to spot a sign that doesn't even exist to have any time left to enjoy art?

I could go on, but I am bored now.

In short, Terminal 5 is another huge London shopping mall that managed to get through planning constraints by pretending to be an airport terminal . Customers are treated with contempt, as no more than walking purses and wallets, their human needs ignored. And any notion of ergonomics has been thrown away to indulge the architects' egos.

Not impressed! I will now charge considerably more to customers who live in places that need me to travel through Terminal 5.